From My Heart

I almost didn't write this. I thought about keeping this to myself. I mean in reality it didn't end up being that big of a deal, so I might as well just keep it between the few that know. However, the thing is, I always go back to my goal of being honest. I also realize that most of the time the things that I experience have also been experienced by others, and I don't know about you, but I know I like to know I am not alone. So here it is.

I have been nursing Eden for 1 year and 2 weeks. I far surpassed what I originally thought I could handle. Honestly, before I was pregnant I used to say, "Three months is my limit! There is no way I want a baby attached to me after that." Oh silly, naive me. Well, anyway, as of yesterday, Eden had been done nursing for one week. It happened gradually and while it was a bit weird, we were both more than ready to end that part of our bond (Eden made that clear). This leads us to yesterday morning.

I found a lump. It kind of surprised me. The funny thing is I dealt with plugged ducts the entire time I was breastfeeding which would cause lumps ALL.THE.TIME. However, I knew it wasn't normal. I called my OB and they scheduled me for an ultrasound that afternoon. I had never wished I was pregnant more than that moment, because suddenly the word "ultrasound" had a much different meaning. I was shaking, but worked on holding it together. I'm a mom now, we are supposed to be calm and rational right? I would say I am pretty gifted at staying level headed about things (okay well there are a time or two...or three that this was not the case) but for some reason I just lost it. I did the ugly cry. I now remember why waterproof mascara was invented and why I should never buy anything else again. It was funny because I knew no matter what, it was going to be okay, and yet, I actually felt scared. I was so thankful that I didn't have to wait long to get an answer because I may have driven myself crazy.

1:45 p.m. came and it was appointment time. I noted that the ultrasound technician looked younger than me. That seemed strange and yet somewhat comforting. She was nice. With Josh by my side I laid on that familiar bed with the same black and white screen in front of me. Only this time, there was no cute blob of a baby to look at, and no heartbeat to count. Just weird wavy lines that meant nothing. The tech poked and prodded and printed photos. She made a comment about not getting dressed and needing a second opinion.

My heart sank. No one needs a second opinion for a lousy plugged duct. This is when Josh started making jokes about ducks and gooses. 

She returned. "We believe its an infection," she says. Right. I was over thinking everything and I am fine. I may have thought, "I can't believe I just paid thousands of dollars to find out I have a stinking infection!" Don't let that make you think I wasn't thankful because I was more than thankful. I realize not everyone gets to find out that they only have an infection. Not everyone gets to walk out with just some nasty antibiotics that are supposed to make you sick four times a day. It could have been so much worse. It's been hitting me hard since yesterday. My day went from sad to happy so quickly. I started playing the "why" game. Why was I the one that got to walk out of there with that news? Why do others have to hear the news that changes their life forever? I'm so thankful for everything that God has given me, and so glad to know that He has a plan for everyone. I wish I could say I understand it all, but I don't. 

So, for now, I keep taking those pills, praying that it really is just an infection. In one week we should know. Otherwise I'll be back for more tests. In the meantime, I am using this as a reminder to be thankful for what I have as well as reminder that our lives are fleeting so live them in the best way possible. 

Thanks for listening.