Can't Get You Off My Mind

I haven't been the best at updates. I know. Some days it feels easier to not update because I just don't have a lot to say right now. We are SO close to our referral, we can feel it. We were given an approximate timeline for our referral to come, but we also know that timelines are loose, so we just wait patiently (okay some days we are very IMpatient).

In the last couple of months of waiting our girl turned TWO! We had friends there during her birthday and we were told she was very well celebrated. We made rice and beans just like the typical meal of Haiti and decorated and just celebrated her as best as we could. Those days are the hardest. The birthdays. The holidays. You just don't want to spend yet another day 3,000 miles from your child. It just doesn't feel good.

Her birthday gifts

 

But, we know that some day this will be a distant memory. And we really are thankful for these painful days. Because it reminds us how much we truly love her. She isn't growing in my belly the way the other two did, but you can bet that our love is growing SO deeply during this time. As a family we are learning to just cling to one another and pray continually for our baby who is so far away.

I'm finding that instead of burying myself in tasks I need to take a step back and be okay with not doing much of anything. I am having to say no to a lot. Some days are better and some days I am just so overwhelmed. And I am going to admit openly that I was letting fear keep me frozen. The fear kept me from feeling the real pain of having my baby so far away. It kept me from being honest about how scared I was about meeting her because then I would KNOW what she feels like and then I have to leave her. That hurts so much.

I was recently blessed with the opportunity to attend the Called to Love retreat. It is for adoptive/foster mama's. I didn't want to go at first because I didn't want to be vulnerable to my emotions. I wanted to bury them deep. Going there was where I finally allowed myself to admit that I was allowing fear to keep me from feeling. So, it was there that I let it go. I asked God to take it away. And He did. And I hurt. And I cried. But, it has been SO good. He also gave me the greatest gift of getting to hug two amazing women, who are also Haiti mama's, during the conference. One of those sweet mama's brought home two kids from the same orphanage that our daughter is living at. She has SEEN our girl. Those two days were a true treasure. Memories that will be with me for life.

So, for now, we just wait for "the call." We know that the families that were ahead of us got their call and will be heading to meet their little ones SO SOON. So, we remain hopeful that our call is coming. We have been working so hard to raise the rest of the money to bring her home. I've seen God work miracles for our family so many times. He took us from not having a penny to our name to being blessed with more jobs than we can handle (literally. Josh has 4 of them to try to make as much money as we can to get our girl home). We are HALFWAY to fully funded. God just keeps bringing in the money. Many people ask what our next need is, and that is the money for the referral/travel. We have $2,000 more to go. Although some days I start to fret over that money, I truly do believe God will provide it just at the right time. There are times I wish we were already fully funded so we didn't have to worry about it, but maybe this is a gift. It gives us something to focus on in our wait. It makes us rely solely on Him. It requires us to humble ourselves and ask for help.

So, for those that were asking about a way to give that would be tax deductible, we went ahead and set up a Pure Charity fundraiser page. All the money that is donated through that link goes directly to our agency, who will then use the money for our adoption expenses. Each dollar counts. Truly. And we are so thankful to all of the people who have prayed for us. Who have set up fundraisers for us. Who have purchased from our fundraisers. Who have handed us a check just because. We are truly thankful for our village. If you would like to donate, just look to the right of the blog and you'll see our fundraising page...just click on it! THANK YOU!!

Think of the Happiest Things {Fundraiser}

We have another fundraiser that we have just launched!!! We are awaiting our referral call at any time so we knew we needed to get moving in order to raise the last $3500 we need in order to accept our referral and travel to hold our baby girl for 2 weeks.

The words, "think of the happiest things," are lyrics from Peter Pan. I haven't stopped singing the song since designing it! In our home, when we are stressed or scared, we always say to pray and think of happy things. Plus, we are a bit Disney obsessed in our home, so designing something that encompasses that love just made sense. We know our girl is going to be dealing with a lot of grief as she transitions into our home, so we love to think of ways to fill our home with reminders of JOY amidst the sadness. We hope you love the reminder to think of happy things!

So, in light of Christmas coming up...we thought it would be fun to design t-shirts that would make perfect gifts (or just buy for yourself...I won't tell). Our shirts are available for purchase from now until Monday, November 30th. Once it ends, shirts will arrive within 14 days which gives you the perfect amount of time to wrap them and place them under the tree. We have unisex, ladies, youth, long-sleeve, and hooded sweatshirts available! Every single purchase gets us so much closer to our baby girl. We would LOVE if you would also share about our fundraiser...the more we sell the closer we get to our goal! Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts. Our family is so grateful for all of the love and support we have received during this process!

I've Waited Three Months to Announce This....

This is a post I have waited THREE months to write. And now I sit here and have no idea how to tell you all the amazing blessings God given to us during what could be a very dark time for us (another blog post on that coming soon). Basically, we have spent 9.5 weeks with two very sick children and one sick mama (that's me). With NO answers. And it has been downright terrifying at times. And Satan has attacked in every way he knows how. And our bank accounts are at ZERO. I wish I was kidding. Thanks to some very unexpected car issues and a whole lot of medical expenses every penny was taken away. But even through all of that, our adoption account has GROWN. Even though we couldn't contribute the amount we do each month, we have been blessed by so much generosity. As I write this, we have the most amazing auction going on over at my instagram (@mallory_crain) thanks to the Adopt Shoppe doing a fundraiser for us. Blessed. So very blessed.

Okay, here we go.

Remember when I posted about the two big boys that we had pursued so hard for 6 months and how even though the Lord made it clear we needed to let go that He also had something amazing planned for us?

I mean, AMAZING.

Well, I will let this picture speak for us....

IT'S A GIRL!!!

There is SO much more we want to say. SO VERY MUCH MORE. But, for now we still have to stay pretty quiet about the details. Basically, our agency and our baby girl's orphanage have pre-matched us to her. That means that they are recommending to the Haitian government that our family is a good fit for her. And we just pray every day that they will agree. So, when we announced that on August 18, 2015 our dossier entered IBESR (Haitian social services) we were rejoicing and crying for an even bigger reason. Because that was one HUGE step closer to our baby girl.

And you know how awesome God is? She is at the very orphanage that brought us to our beloved agency, Lifeline Children's Services. She is living at Three Angels and we couldn't ask for a better place for her to be while we wait to be able to have her in our arms. Oh what a glorious day that will be!

I know many of you are wondering what happened to wanting TWO kids. Well, we have truly felt that God has asked us to be open to 1 OR 2 children and to special needs. We didn't want to put limitations on our adoption. We truly believed that God would lead us to our child(ren) no matter what we said on paper. We are so happy with the child we believe He has planned for our family and due to the significant needs of our little one we believe He planned this perfectly. And our whole family is ready for MANY more to join our tribe in His timing. And you want to hear one neat little detail? We have always felt that twins would be in our family at some point. We really thought we would have twins in this adoption. Well, our girl's birthday is almost exactly 6 months before Israel's. Many call this "irish twins." It was always twins, just not the way we expected! He is in every detail.

So, for now, since we can't share details of our BEAUTIFUL girl, which includes her name, we will be calling her Selah. If you have been following our journey you know we use the hashtag #journeytosandj on our posts. And awhile back I explained why we referenced our future children as Judah and Selah. Our sweet Selah girl has been prayed for for so many years.

And the news gets even sweeter. We got an update that paperwork is FLYING through the process which makes us hopeful that we may be receiving our referral (that will be Haiti's invitation for us to come spend 2 weeks bonding with our girl) much sooner than expected. The "average" timeline (we use timelines very loosely in international adoptions) is 6-12 months for a referral, so we are PRAYING to be on the earlier side of that. No matter what we truly believe it will be in HIS timing. Because He is good. Even when we don't understand.

So, that is what I have been holding onto since May 12th. You guys, we are going to have a DAUGHTER!!


Never once did you leave us. You are faithful.

One Year.

It was exactly one year ago today that we submitted our application to our agency. I try so hard to remember what I felt that day, but this past year has been such a blur. I remember feelings of excitement, fear, and lots of nervousness. I remember thinking, "but what if they say no?" We had already had an amazing call with our Haiti coordinator, Meredith, which solidified everything we believed...this was our agency. This was the one that we wanted advocating for us. For our children. We had zero doubts that they would be the best fit for us. For all that God had laid on our hearts in orphan care.

Speaking of orphan care, I wanted to share a little bit about what has been laid on our hearts. We knew when we started our adoption that we didn't want to take away someone's child. That's hard to understand here in the U.S., but in international adoption, especially in third world countries, there are so many children that aren't true orphans. Meaning, they have living family that WANT them, but they are just unable to care for them so they do what they feel is best and bring them to an orphanage where they know they will be fed and sheltered. I love that orphanages can provide a safe place for families, but I don't love that many people feel that this means the children need homes. Because they don't. They have a home. We have become so passionate about finding programs and organizations that work to reunify families. They teach the parents skills so that they can find jobs and then are able to care for their own families. Anyway, all this to say, we are just so thankful for our agency and how they have walked with us each step of the way this past year. Through lots of excitement, but an awful lot of tears.

So, here we are. One year later. Do you want to hear our exciting update???

June 30, 2015

Our Home Study was finally in our hands!!!
And then we turned around and shipped it off to immigration!

Home Study!!! 

Paperwork sent to immigration with these two 

We have had all of our paperwork ready to go, we just couldn't move forward AT ALL until we had our Home Study. You can imagine the celebrating that followed when it arrived. With it, we were able to apply for immigration and can now go get our paperwork authenticated and sent with our dossier. And we can also begin to apply for grants!

"Ice cream" to celebrate

Haitian inspired red beans and rice for our celebration dinner

July 1, 2015

All of our documents for our dossier are IN. We had dreams of being able to send everything today, but had a pretty big setback with one of the required documents. But, PRAISE THE LORD, everything was done TODAY. So, we will be getting all of our documents authenticated tomorrow and then shipped off to our agency! They will begin to do all of their part of the work with translating and legalizing and all of that and then our dossier should be in Haiti so very soon.

I wish there was an expression to show just how over the moon excited we are right now. We have gone through so much heartache and setbacks and things are finally moving at rapid pace and we are so thankful for that. My heart is soaring!


As far as fundraising, another PRAISE THE LORD, we raised enough to send our dossier right on time! We started off needing SO much and then the Lord provided all of it.

I will update again soon!

WE ARE COMING FOR YOU LITTLE ONE!!! 

FUNDRAISER: Garage Sale!

Our 3rd adoption fundraiser garage sale is happening this weekend! If you are local, come check it out and see what treasures you can find! 

FUNDRAISER: The Apparent Project

Hi all! Wanted to check in and let you know about our newest fundraiser. One we love VERY MUCH. Let me introduce you to the Apparent Project. Basically they take discarded materials and upcycle them into beautiful jewelry. The artisans who create the bracelets are able to earn money in order to care for their families. These bracelets bring so much HOPE.

So, where do we fit in? The Apparent Project has a double cause fundraiser option where you can sell their bracelets to raise funds for your cause and in turn you are also helping to pay the artisans. This is amazing!

Here's the thing. We know we were called to adopt. But, our biggest prayer is that adoption wouldn't even be necessary. We pray that parents will be empowered enough to be able to continue to care for their children instead of feeling that they must resort to adoption because it is their only adoption. Children belong in their families. There are times where this is not possible, and then, that is where adoption should be an option. This is why we love organizations like AP. We are so thankful we get to be a part of this!

THE BRACELETS

Each bracelet is beautifully handcrafted IN Haiti! Our child's birth country. I cannot even begin to tell you just how beautiful they are. I love every single one of them. Each bracelet is $10. Five dollars of that will go to our adoption, and the other five dollars will go back to the Apparent Project. If you need your bracelets shipped, we are charging a flat fee of $3, no matter how many bracelets you order.  If you are local to Salem, Oregon you can waive the shipping fee and just pick up your bracelet. Remember these make perfect gifts as well! Think of family members, friends, teachers...it's a gift that gives back!

Send payments via Paypal to: ourheartsinhaiti@gmail.com

*Please note if you use the option to send money to friends/family PayPal will not take a percentage of the money. In the notes section, please indicate how many bracelets you want. Feel free to mention if you are hoping for a certain color scheme (this cannot be guaranteed). Don't forget to include your mailing address!

We are about $2700 away from having enough money to send our dossier. This is the VERY LARGE stack of papers that will be sent to Haiti and is how they learn about our family and approve us and match us with our child. We are hopeful to be able to send it within the next couple weeks. But, we can't do it without the money. We need this to happen quickly so we will continue to raise every bit of money we can. Once we have our Home Study in our hands (we pray that this is early next week) we can begin to apply for grants. So much rides on this elusive Home Study!

So very excited that things are moving so quickly now! Believing that the Lord will provide the funds!

The Cost

Confession: I thought the money aspect of adoption wouldn't be hard at all. I mean, sure, it is a HUGE number, but I have watched countless adoptions that have been fully funded, no matter how many times that family came in with $0 in the bank. We came in with a portion of money already in savings so I thought, hey, we've got this. Notice, I say WE not HE.

To be honest, I have caught myself doubting. I'm watching others adoptions become fully funded all around me, while we are fundraising our hearts out and saving every penny and I feel like we still have SO far to go. But, I know He is faithful. He is asking us to work hard for a reason. He is refining us.

There was a time where we didn't have money in the bank. Not even a penny. But, He still provided. I have never had to rely on Him so much in my whole life. We knew we couldn't do it on our own. He helped us find buyers for all of our furniture (if it wasn't nailed down, we sold it). He brought us people who gave us groceries and donated gift cards. It was one of the hardest times of our lives, but was also the best. We learned to fully rely on Him and nothing else.

So, here I am again. Looking at a number that seems impossible, but choosing to believe that He will fund this adoption. It has nothing to do with me and what I do.

Right now we need $26,900 to be fully funded. We are choosing to look at each step at a time so as of right this minute, we need  $3250 in order to send our dossier. We have been chipping away at that number slowly, but surely.

We have been so thankful for all who have been fundraising for us or who have purchased things from our fundraisers. We need you to know that we can't do this without YOU. Truly. Fundraising is so hard and so humbling. To be honest, I wanted to pay for this entire adoption alone. I didn't want to ask for money. But, what I've realized is that if we didn't fundraise, we wouldn't be giving all of you a chance to be a tangible part of our adoption. Not every single person is called to adopt, but we are each called to care for the orphan. So, we are thankful that God made it possible for us to open up an opportunity for others to be a part of this journey with us.

What are we doing right now? Glad you asked.

Josh is currently plugging away at multiple jobs. His main income is what we live off of. His other two jobs, real estate and coaching, go right into the adoption account. Every house sold or bought helps to fund our adoption. That's been pretty awesome. And, if you know me, you know I am the world's cheapest person. Not frugal. Cheap. If I can DIY it, I will, in order to not spend money. So, you can be assured that we are being good stewards of our money in order to save every extra penny for our adoption.

I have been having bracelet sales on Instagram (my shop page is @joyfulmangoshop) which have been going really well. I'm hoping to have a large sale soon! 

We are getting ready to do a HUGE garage sale fundraiser. We are praying that this year's is much more successful than last year.

We will be starting a NEW fundraiser very soon...so keep an eye out for it!

And, how can you help?

• If you are local, chat with Josh about your real estate needs ;) 
• Buy a bracelet
• Check out our YouCaring page (you can find this on the right sidebar)
• Locals can donate items or come to our garage sale June 19-20 (more info to come)
• Check out The Rustic Orange who is donating a portion of her sales to us (her items are AMAZING)!
• Pray! 

You can also check out our fundraising page up above (which I am working on updating) just to see where we are at!

Seriously, we are so thankful for each and every one of you. As you can see, we cannot do it alone. And we have a serious need to get this money raised so we can send our dossier the second it is ready to go. We NEED this to move fast (and oh how I wish I could share more....SOON!).

We will continue to do our best to keep you updated on our process and how you can help. Love to you all!

Letting Go

Sorry about the switch up yet again from wordpress to blogger. I tried so hard to make it work, but it just wasn't the right platform for me. I had issue after issue with trying to do certain things on there and in the end I needed to come back to blogger. Thanks to the change, we are now able to have our YouCaring site right on the right sidebar and we will also be able to add other fundraisers and such now. Thanks for sticking with us! Now, on to the heart of the post...

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My title for this post was "Letting Go" and as I was sitting contemplating how to put into words everything that has happened since November, this song came on. And it absolutely hit me. Here is just part of the song that just brought me to tears and falling on my knees. 

Steffany Gretzinger

"Letting Go"

You've brought me to the end of myself 
And this has been the longest road 
Just when my hallelujah was tired 

You've brought me to the end of myself
And this has been the longest road
Just when my hallelujah was tired
You gave me a new song

Now I'm letting go
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
Falling into You

And I confess, I still get scared sometimes
But perfect love comes rushing in
And all the lies that screamed inside go silent
The moment You begin 

I think this whole post could be summed up with this, "You've brought me to the end of myself. And this has been the longest road. Just when my hallelujah was tired. You gave me a new song."

Because, friends, we were beyond tired. We were worn. Scarred. Ready to put up the, 'I SURRENDER!" flag. I have had moments where I wondered what we were doing. Why, oh why, were we adopting from Haiti? Why international adoption at all? We have been in the process for only 10 months and I already was ready to throw in the towel. Satan had weaseled his way into my head and I couldn't shake him. 

But, now? Now I know exactly what all the tears I have cried for the last 6 months have been for. There may be moments I am tempted to wish away all the hard moments, but to be frank, I refuse to. Because it brought us here. And right here, well, it's amazing. We still have so many battles ahead, but we know each battle is worth the fight because we now can see the reward ahead. And it's going to be beautiful. 

So, here we go. Let's have a sit down chat about why we had to be so silent lately. 

My 30th birthday and the day we were eligible to adopt from Haiti.

November 10, 2014. 

The day that seemingly changed it all. It was also the day that I turned 30 and we could officially adopt from Haiti. 

It was that day that we were given the go ahead to adopt two AMAZING boys. Two boys that Josh had met on his mission trip. It wasn't planned. In fact, I had told him NOT to fall in love with any kids there. But, it didn't matter. We both fell so hard for them. 

However, there was one thing in our way. Their orphanage was in the process of getting approved for adoption, but not approved yet. So, with the advice from our agency, we all decided we should take the next 6 months to do some extra education on older child adoption, talk to other families that had adopted older children, and then we would be in contact at the end of the 6 months to discuss how to proceed. 

I so thought that wait would be no big deal. I mean, we had a time frame. And those boys were worth waiting for. But, you guys. It was ridiculously hard. I had not expected it at all. 

The 6 month deadline was basically here. Josh and I both knew we needed to move forward in one way or another, but let me tell you, we did not see what direction the Lord was leading for quite awhile. Even though looking back, I know it really was pretty evident. I could feel that we were not the right family for them, no matter how much I tried to make it happen. And, in the end, the orphanage still was not approved. 

And, this is where it gets hard. I want to be real with you, but I still need to protect this story. Because those boys are still very loved by us. We want the very best for them. 

We walked away. And making that final decision gave me the most peace I have felt in 6 months. I had cried so many tears. My heart has been so broken. But having an answer and knowing that it was what God had wanted helped heal my heart. We believe those boys have an amazing future ahead of them and we are so thankful that we will still be able to be a part of their lives, just not in the way we originally thought. 

And God totally dropped a bomb on us. Let's just say we are fast tracking things and praying that things move quickly. And suddenly I am having to trust Him again. Trust that He will provide the funds that are needed to get our dossier to Haiti. I thought the money part wouldn't scare me. We have seen him provide when we had $0 in our bank account for 6 months. Never the less, I see the giant bill ahead of me and am wondering how we will get it paid. It's going to be so amazing to look back some day and see His hand in every moment of this. 

Thank you all for journeying with us. For praying with us. For encouraging us. For loving us amidst our crazy. We appreciate every single one of you. 

Choosing Joy

I've been so quiet. I wanted to write, but no words came out. This season has been so very hard. Both our season in life and the actual season. Winter. Winter is not my favorite. Here in Oregon it means lots of gray and rainy days and I REALLY don't love either of those. I was born with sunshine in me. Probably why some of my friends have now taken to calling me, "Sunshine Bear." It's true. If it is sunny, I am outside. So being in the midst of winter in a season of unknowns caused some serious struggles within me. And Josh said it best when he referred to this part of our adoption as, "being in limbo."

I so wish I could share more about that.

God asked us to step out in faith, and we did. And we had perfect peace about it. And then Satan decided to come on in and camp out in my head. Telling me lies. All day long. Add to that the fact that we cannot talk about what we are doing openly at this time (it really is for the best) and whoa. This girl, who constantly talks about being an open book, is really struggling with being in this season of quiet. I want to tell you all about it. I do. But, we know that this really is the best for the situation at hand. So, I am saying, "SORRY!" for being so vague. I really don't want to be. But I really felt like it was time to say something. Anything. Just to break the silence for a bit. I'll tell you more as soon as I can. We actually should know more this month. In the meantime, yes, we are most definitely still adopting from Haiti. None of that has changed at all. Our process just might look a bit different than we expected.

Let's move on, shall we?

Just over a week ago I was in "sunny" Southern California. I use sunny lightly because the only sun I saw was as I was heading to the airport to board my plane. Thanks for nothing weather. The reason I was there was the best part though. I got to attend my second Choose Joy event.

What is Choose Joy? It is a 2-day conference that is centered around infertility and adoption. It is soul refreshing. It is life giving. It is the one place where I can be in a room full of people I have never met and yet feel like I have known them my whole life. While typically large gatherings make my introverted self run and hide, I actually find myself so beyond comfortable and literally loving every minute. And while it was made for men and women experiencing infertility, it absolutely is designed for those that are not walking that road but just love adoption as well. We have not experienced infertility, but we know so many who have. That is such a lonely road to walk. You are literally breaking apart inside, but no one can see it. I have been so thankful that while my soul is being refreshed in terms of adoption, I am also learning how to love those that are walking the hard road of infertility. I am already so ready for next year!