Letting Go

Sorry about the switch up yet again from wordpress to blogger. I tried so hard to make it work, but it just wasn't the right platform for me. I had issue after issue with trying to do certain things on there and in the end I needed to come back to blogger. Thanks to the change, we are now able to have our YouCaring site right on the right sidebar and we will also be able to add other fundraisers and such now. Thanks for sticking with us! Now, on to the heart of the post...

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My title for this post was "Letting Go" and as I was sitting contemplating how to put into words everything that has happened since November, this song came on. And it absolutely hit me. Here is just part of the song that just brought me to tears and falling on my knees. 

Steffany Gretzinger

"Letting Go"

You've brought me to the end of myself 
And this has been the longest road 
Just when my hallelujah was tired 

You've brought me to the end of myself
And this has been the longest road
Just when my hallelujah was tired
You gave me a new song

Now I'm letting go
I'm letting go
I'm letting go
Falling into You

And I confess, I still get scared sometimes
But perfect love comes rushing in
And all the lies that screamed inside go silent
The moment You begin 

I think this whole post could be summed up with this, "You've brought me to the end of myself. And this has been the longest road. Just when my hallelujah was tired. You gave me a new song."

Because, friends, we were beyond tired. We were worn. Scarred. Ready to put up the, 'I SURRENDER!" flag. I have had moments where I wondered what we were doing. Why, oh why, were we adopting from Haiti? Why international adoption at all? We have been in the process for only 10 months and I already was ready to throw in the towel. Satan had weaseled his way into my head and I couldn't shake him. 

But, now? Now I know exactly what all the tears I have cried for the last 6 months have been for. There may be moments I am tempted to wish away all the hard moments, but to be frank, I refuse to. Because it brought us here. And right here, well, it's amazing. We still have so many battles ahead, but we know each battle is worth the fight because we now can see the reward ahead. And it's going to be beautiful. 

So, here we go. Let's have a sit down chat about why we had to be so silent lately. 

My 30th birthday and the day we were eligible to adopt from Haiti.

November 10, 2014. 

The day that seemingly changed it all. It was also the day that I turned 30 and we could officially adopt from Haiti. 

It was that day that we were given the go ahead to adopt two AMAZING boys. Two boys that Josh had met on his mission trip. It wasn't planned. In fact, I had told him NOT to fall in love with any kids there. But, it didn't matter. We both fell so hard for them. 

However, there was one thing in our way. Their orphanage was in the process of getting approved for adoption, but not approved yet. So, with the advice from our agency, we all decided we should take the next 6 months to do some extra education on older child adoption, talk to other families that had adopted older children, and then we would be in contact at the end of the 6 months to discuss how to proceed. 

I so thought that wait would be no big deal. I mean, we had a time frame. And those boys were worth waiting for. But, you guys. It was ridiculously hard. I had not expected it at all. 

The 6 month deadline was basically here. Josh and I both knew we needed to move forward in one way or another, but let me tell you, we did not see what direction the Lord was leading for quite awhile. Even though looking back, I know it really was pretty evident. I could feel that we were not the right family for them, no matter how much I tried to make it happen. And, in the end, the orphanage still was not approved. 

And, this is where it gets hard. I want to be real with you, but I still need to protect this story. Because those boys are still very loved by us. We want the very best for them. 

We walked away. And making that final decision gave me the most peace I have felt in 6 months. I had cried so many tears. My heart has been so broken. But having an answer and knowing that it was what God had wanted helped heal my heart. We believe those boys have an amazing future ahead of them and we are so thankful that we will still be able to be a part of their lives, just not in the way we originally thought. 

And God totally dropped a bomb on us. Let's just say we are fast tracking things and praying that things move quickly. And suddenly I am having to trust Him again. Trust that He will provide the funds that are needed to get our dossier to Haiti. I thought the money part wouldn't scare me. We have seen him provide when we had $0 in our bank account for 6 months. Never the less, I see the giant bill ahead of me and am wondering how we will get it paid. It's going to be so amazing to look back some day and see His hand in every moment of this. 

Thank you all for journeying with us. For praying with us. For encouraging us. For loving us amidst our crazy. We appreciate every single one of you.