These Are My Confessions

So, the last few months have been hard. We are talking harder than walking in 5 inch stilettos while pregnant. We have gone months without any income at all. While we had saved up enough to make it for awhile JUST IN CASE, well, that just in case happened and then it kept happening. 

We chose for me to be a stay at home mom, and we still don't regret it. Wait. Stop there. Yes, I had a VERY hard time with this aspect. Here I was sitting at home when I knew perfectly well that I could get a good paying job and support our family. However, Josh gently reminded me MANY times that we went down this path because it's where we felt God had lead us. If I were to just run back to working full-time we would just be saying that we didn't trust God...and that is absolutely not what we wanted. So, I submitted. It was not easy. I wanted to run and make some money because I was really scared. 

There was a time when we were first married where we were in a tough spot. That doesn't even compare to where we are now. This time around we have a baby and NO income. When we struggled the first time it was just the two of us and we still had an income, just a whole lot of student loans that sucked the money pit dry. Sadly, the first time we let our money situation tear our marriage apart. Thankfully, it healed and we are in a way better spot because of it. This time is different. This time there have absolutely been moments where our emotions are so raw and there are times where I get so frustrated that I lash out at the one person who I love with all of my heart. So what's the difference? We have taken this time to learn. Having not even a penny to your name teaches you to be so very creative. When you don't have money you can't spend money (brilliant, I know) so you quickly become resourceful. I have made food out of nothing more than thin air (well, that's how it seems). 

Want to know the best thing that has happened to us during this short time in our life? We have learned to truly appreciate the friends and family that God has blessed us with. No seriously, we are BLESSED. I know, I know, we should have noticed them before, but it's different now. Having people bring us food, clothing, prayers...it is so humbling. For years I have let my pride get in the way of letting God use the people He has placed in my life to bless our family. Whenever I heard the phrase, "can we pray for you?" My immediate response (in my head not out loud), "Who me?! Save your prayers for someone who really needs them." Yeah, this is not easy to admit, but it is honest. Seriously, if I had swallowed my pride for a bit I may have really been able to appreciate the relationships I have with those around me. 

Alright, here is the thing I need to say. This post wasn't meant for you to feel bad for me. Please don't. Really, I just needed an outlet to get all of these thoughts and feelings out in the open. Also, as I had mentioned before, I felt that I couldn't truly put my heart into this blog until I had been completely honest. Obviously I can't share everything on here, but this was such a big heavy thing weighing on me and it was time to let you all know where this family is at. We are so well taken care of and are going to be fine. That's the other thing...we believe we have a way out of this mess...and yes this does mean a new job. For those of you who have stuck around through all this blabbing will now know that HOPEFULLY tomorrow I will be letting you all in on our newest venture. Some of you already know, but many most likely don't. We have stayed kind of quiet about life lately just to protect ourselves. However, I think we are in the clear and as long as I get a thumbs up from the other half then I will most definitely announce it. So, hang tight...I will be back! 

Thanks for any of you that are still reading, although I don't blame you if you zoned out within the first sentence. I created this blog as an outlet for myself and I am most certainly taking advantage of it.