The Weight Of Motherhood

My heart has been really heavy today (honestly it feels like I'm going to fall over from all the weight) and I just felt the need to unload a bit. This blog is nothing if not therapeutic for me and sometimes I just need to use it simply for that. 

Being a mom is hard. Like harder than any job I have ever had...and let me tell you, I have had some crazy strict bosses (Tina- I am talking to you! Okay, not really you just happen to read the blog..like you could be strict..). I am saying this because I had one of those moments today with Eden where your life flashes before your eyes, only it wasn't mine, it was hers. 

Eden and I were hanging out in the kitchen and she has this ADORABLE shirt that my parents gave her that she tends to like to pull strings out of. I saw that she had pulled a string rather far and I dove down faster than I even knew I could. I grabbed the string and yanked it away horribly quick. I had these visions of her swallowing it (earlier she had rocks in her mouth so it really isn't that hard to believe that the string would go directly into her digestive system). Immediately after pulling she started screaming. She is not one to get terribly upset about much of anything. My heart plummeted. Something was wrong, very wrong. 

I fell to the floor to examine the hand that I had pulled the thread from and that's when I saw it. Eden had wrapped the thread around her finger and when I yanked it, it caused it to tighten and knot the thread. Her finger quickly turned red, and then lavender, and then a deep shade of plum. I was shaking and knew I needed to act fast. The problem was, the thread was wound so tightly around her finger that I couldn't get anything under it in order to cut it off. I panicked. I wanted to call 911, but I couldn't even get myself to leave her side. I kept pulling...grabbing scissors...anything I could find to try to get the thread off, but nothing worked. I knew the hospital was exactly ONE MINUTE away, but the idea of putting her in her carseat where I wouldn't be able to check on her horrified me. I was going to have to call an ambulance. As I watched her cry and lay there helplessly I knew I had try one more time. I thanked God for my super long fingernails and prayed that they could miraculously get under that thread (I had already tried multiple times to no avail). Thankfully my nail got under it and I just started pulling as fast as I could. 

The screams coming out of Eden made me aware of how extremely painful it was for her. I felt horrible, but I knew in the long run this was the best thing I could do for her. After what seemed like hours, I got the thread off. I pulled her so close and just rocked her back and forth on the kitchen floor. I kept shaking and saying "I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry...mommy loves you..." over and over, but did not cry. I couldn't shake that icky feeling inside and grabbed the phone to call Josh. I tried holding it together as I recounted every moment of that terrible accident, but I just couldn't. I lost it. Hot tears streamed down my face as I realized how close Eden was to no longer having any circulation to her finger. The image of her finger starting to go black was haunting me. I kept thinking, "God, I said to keep her safe inside me! I knew I couldn't handle having her out in the world where there is so much pain!" However, I knew deep down that no matter how scary that moment was for the both of us, I am so very glad she is here on this earth. 

Sometimes I don't feel like I am that great of a mother, but I can't imagine my life without Eden. There are days where I question the way I am raising her. I try to do what's right and yet I constantly have people judging what I do. I know what Josh and I are doing is right for us and for our baby, but it is hard not to question yourself when people judge. I am constantly feeling the pressure to be more selfish in life. "You should have lots of alone time." "Putting her to bed at the same time every night keeps you from staying out, you shouldn't be so strict." "You shouldn't let her eat and fall asleep, it's not good for her." Honestly, it is so hard not to question who I am as a mom. After today I realized something. God made me Eden's mom, no one else. She is my responsibility. I will always choose to do what I believe to be the best thing for our family and even if that doesn't fit into someone else's life or schedule I will stick to what I believe in. In that moment of pure terror, the only one that could help Eden was me. Eden cannot help herself...that's why she has me. Eden's needs will come first, as will any other babies God blesses us with. 

I say all of this as an encouragement to all you mom's...soon to be mom's...and ladies who desire to be moms. Parenting is HARD, but know that you are doing/will do a great job. I know it. No matter what you do, know what is best for your child and stick with it. God designed us to nurture and raise up our children so let's rock that responsibility. Don't let people get in the way of that. 

I know not all of you that read this blog have a faith in God, and that's just fine. Since my faith is such an important part of my life, I wanted to share a portion of scripture that I read and think about all the time. 

"She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed;  her husband also, and he praises her:  “Many women do noble things,  but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;  but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done,    and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."      Proverbs 31: 27-31