First things first...my computer died. I mean it won't even turn on. It's a goner. Technically Josh can fix it, but I have jokingly said I planned on killing it so I could get my beloved MAC. Obviously this is not an actual possibility at this stage in our lives, but its worth pretending. I tend to pretend a lot. Like how I pretend that I can actually buy new clothes. Most of them hail from the early 2000's, some even from the 90's. I guess we shall call them vintage. I'm not complaining, but it leads to my next point.
Our family is broke. I think I've hinted at it a couple times. I don't think any of you thought we were taking baths in money here, but things are beyond just tight. Things have gotten real and they have gotten scary at times. I tend to be a frugal sort and will do anything to save a buck (seriously one of these days I'll share my money saving tips and I think some of you are going to be scared). With the realization that we NOTHING (in the monetary sense...we have EVERYTHING in a spiritual sense) we started to be even more radical in our approach to life. One thing? It looks like we are officially giving up our house. So many have asked how I feel about it and honestly? We feel great! We are going to miss this place so much when it is gone, but we know it is absolutely the best thing for our family. I'll probably be talking about the house a lot as I really want to preserve the memories of this house, every square foot of it (don't worry...there are only 834).
The thing about being without money is that a lot of times you have to deal with some tougher issues. We have learned humility a whole lot of times throughout the past year. I've learned to smile through the tears as yet another person yells at me because I can't pay them. Don't they know I want to so bad? Most of these moments are so very embarrassing, but I am sharing them because I can almost guarantee someone out there that is reading this is going through the same thing. I want you to know to not be ashamed. It will all be okay. Trust me, I have to tell myself this daily.
The whole money thing has taught me a lot about the friendships I have. Some of them have grown stronger and others not so much. So many people have prayed for us and with us and that means the world. However, I know a lot of friends just don't know how to approach us right now and that's okay, we get it. I'm struggling with feeling burned by a few people right now and I so desperately want to imitate Jesus and love them just the same. But it's hard. I find myself wanting to avoid those friendships right now because I don't think I can plaster a smile on my face and love them the way that I should. I know this sounds awful, and I agree, but it's just what I am feeling right now.
Did you know that I have struggled with depression since I was 12? It wasn't until the summer before I met Josh that I finally pushed myself to get help. Now the pain from it all is so rare that it shocks me every time I feel that dark gray cloud looming overhead. It seems like I have to fight a bit harder right now and I know its just a time of testing. I'll get through it, I always do, but I think I am just trying to hard to fight everyone's battles alone. I cannot possibly do this and sometimes I forget that. The thing is, I absolutely hate watching people hurt and it seems like so many friends are hurting right now. I wish I could just fix everything for everyone and I know that I cannot do that. So I pray. A lot. I just always want my friends to know I am there. ALWAYS. You know what is sad? Back in college I had a classmate who turned to me and said, "You cannot be a Christian and have depression. If you are depressed then you aren't really a Christian." WHOA. She wasn't speaking about me, she was speaking in a general sense, but she had NO IDEA the pain that I had gone through. Guess what? You can be sad and love Jesus all the same, and He will get you through it.
I don't know if any of you are still here reading. Probably not and that's okay. If any of you are, I just wanted to let you know that all of this has kept me from blogging. You know I'm always talking about being open and honest on here, but I found myself unable to blog because I didn't want to be honest about all of this. I love to smile and I like to make others smile and this stuff? This stuff is just sad. But, it's my reality now. And I realized that even if this only helps one person on this whole Earth, well, then it's so worth me typing out the raw emotions I am feeling right now. Can I be honest about blogging? Some days it is such a wonderful thing and I LOVE it. There were a few times where I thought it might be fun to make money off of the blog just because I'm always wanting to make a buck. Yet, I love feeling like I have nothing holding me back. I can post about anything I want because it's mine. You know what holds me back from posting more often? Criticism. I find myself tortured when no one comments. What a bad bad attitude to have. Yes, I have chosen to be out here on the vast internet, but I need to always remind myself that I am blogging for me and in doing so, I hope some of you like what I have to offer. I'm learning to let go of my fears from my wonderful husband. I don't think he knows that he is teaching me anything, but he is. See, Josh, and all of those other real estate agents out there handle rejection, criticism, failures, etc. each day. How they do this with a smile on their face is beyond me! It's why I have always said I could never be an agent...they must have backbones made of steel. Either way, I am so proud of Josh and what he does every day and I am thankful that I am learning to not take everything to heart. Phew..that's hard.
Well, thanks for any of you that made it through this novel. I know I never have pictureless posts, but that's just what you are getting today...especially since I am without my trusty laptop. Thanks for allowing me to be honest always :) If any of this was familiar to you, know that I am always praying for you and that you can make it through, you just have to believe that you can!
XoXo,
Mallory
Hey Mal. Thanks for your honesty. I really appreciate hearing fellow Christians share their struggles with one another. Our imperfections can daily remind us of our need for someone who defines Perfection. I have multiple Christian family members who live with depression and daily take it to Jesus- they are no less a Christian. In fact, these family members are probably the most honest about their desperate need for Jesus. I'm sorry you are leaving your cute little house, BUT I'm excited to see how our Father will provide for you and your family. I say keep on keepin' on and trust in His promises. You and your family are prayed for dear one. Always.
ReplyDeleteMallory, Thank you for being honest and glad that God gave you the courage to write this. I am glad that you are trusting in the Lord even though it will be tough times for awhile. Thank you for not giving up on Jesus to guide the way for you. Thank you to Josh for being a godly example to you and Eden during this time of trial. God is leading you three during this time and know that we all struggle, but God wants us to come on our knees and let Him know what and how we are feeling (even though He knows)!!! Keep seeking after Him. Keep praying for Josh. Keep your focus on the Lord and He will bring you three through!!! Thanks again for allowing God to work through you and sharing your stories!!! -Kathleen
ReplyDeleteMallory, you are such an encouragement to me! To see you guys walk through this and rely on and trust God is wonderful. I'm glad I'm getting the chance to know you in mops! Praying for you!Amy
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness you all encouraged me greatly! It took a lot of prayer to write that, but I knew it was the right thing to do, just not sure how well it would be received. You are all wonderful friends, each and every one of you, and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Thank you for taking the time to comment, it means the world to me!
ReplyDeleteMallory, thank you for sharing your heart! I appreciate it - and it's refreshing to be reminded that nobody has everything going perfectly all the time. I think it can be easy to start thinking that because we love Jesus we have to be happy and perfect all the time, but that's not going to be true until we're in Heaven (and I can't wait!). This world is hard ~ there are a lot of difficult things to deal with, but he gives us strength. Also, I'd love to see your money saving tips - I need them!Tricia
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ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing your story. Although it wasn't the most "fun" post it was the most "real" and truly touched me. We are also going through a really tough time and it has been eyeopening for us with friends and family also. I hold on to the fact that "God never gives us more than we can handle" and "everything happens for a reason" and hope that this will blow over soon. Good luck and I'm praying for your family!
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