Confessions of a SAHM

SAHM = Stay at home mom (I am new to the lingo myself so don't fret...unless you all already knew what that meant beforehand, and well, then I just feel dumb).

I have officially been a stay-at-home real estate assistant for ONE WHOLE MONTH. Some days it feels like this is how it has always been. It is getting harder and harder to remember what it is like to have to get up at 5 a.m. for work each and every morning. Trust me, I force myself to remember so that I never find myself forgetting to be thankful for my situation. And I am. I am so very thankful for where I am in life. I never thought it was going to be possible, and we are certainly living MUCH differently, but it is right.

I have been reflecting on the past few months lately, thinking about who I am now. It is so funny to me that for years I have been trying to figure out why no job seemed perfect for me no matter what I tried. And trust me I tried lots. The thing was, I was never going to find the perfect job outside the home because my perfect job was waiting for me....INSIDE the home. I do have to admit something. Sometimes I feel guilty. Like, the kind of guilt where you don't even want to face the world because you don't want anyone to know how you really feel. Want to know why? The guilt is because I am happy. Blissfully happy. And I feel bad. Regardless of the fact that I can count on one hand the times where I have actually felt truly happy in my life, I still feel like I don't deserve it. I know I have so many friends that have to go to work everyday and leave their little ones behind. I have friends going through terrible things and yet here I am feeling so great and content with my life. I know this is not the way God intended for me to feel, but I just always have this nagging feeling every time someone asks, "how are things?" or "don't you love being a stay at home mom?"

My answer is always, "YES! But...."

If I were being honest, there would be no but. I love being with my baby everyday, I never get tired of her, I never sit there thinking, "I NEED to get out of the house." I love working with Josh. Is working together perfect every single moment of every day? Ha...are you kidding me?! Even if Josh and I think differently, we really are enjoying each other's company. Oh and no, I don't see him all day long. In fact, sometimes I feel like I see him less now that I am home all the time which is ironic.

You know what is even crazier? The fact that I actually am finding myself to be a better person for being at home. Before my job ended I thought I would go back to my usual ways which is to hide in my house all day with no desire to be social. Here's the thing, since being home I have found myself feeling confident. I enjoy going out to see friends or just exploring the neighborhood. My confidence has been boosted SO MUCH. You want to know why? Because I am doing what I am supposed to and because I TRUSTED. Was there lots of doubt in the beginning? You betcha! It took some serious amounts of prayer and discussion with some great friends to understand that I had to leap into this 100% or it would never work. Is it still scary living on Josh's commission only paychecks? Oh absolutely. However, we are surviving.

I'm debating posting this because I still can't shake the guilt. It should be okay to be happy, but it just feels so wrong. Please don't think I am trying to rub any of this in your face if you happen to be a working mom or are going through tough times. I have been there. It is hard. I feel for you. The thing is I have always promised to be honest and open, and so I am doing just that. Will every day be perfect? NOPE. Is any day ever really all that perfect? No sir. The thing is, I am okay with ordinary, I am okay with less than perfect, I am okay with okay. Maybe that's why this gig suits me so well...it may not be the most fabulously extravagant job, but it is just right for me.

Later on I will post a typical "day in the life" for us as I remember it when I was working. Tomorrow you can expect an actual "day in the life" just as we are living it! Here is hoping that I actually remember to record everything we do tomorrow. Mommy brain....gets me every time.

Oh and to ensure that I do not have a picture less post, here are two of the family members...Bella was probably sleeping, and I was behind the camera...of course.